Teleportation Sequence Completed

Turning now from the turn-of-the-century, today I’d like to turn the reigns of the Main Street Gazette over to one of our sister papers, the Galaxy Gazette, based in Tomorrowland. The Galaxy Gazette transmits All the News Across the Universe, which includes an Earth Edition filled with Today’s News, or as I like to call it Tomorrow’s News Today, for only 75 cents. Today’s headline reads: STITCH ESCAPES! – Little Blue Alien is Big Trouble. Although pieces of the story were lost in translation, and included a few typographical errors, here are the pieces of the article that the Galaxy Gazette was able to share with us:

EARTH – A problem prisoner described by the Galactic Federation as small is at large. Almost immediately after being teleported into the Galactic Federation Teleport Center high security chamber, the highly intelligent, multi-armed blue alien hot-wired the controls and teleported himself to earth. “One minute he’s there,” reported Capt. Gantu, chief of security, “and the next he’s gone. At the moment, we have no idea where on earth he is.”

This strange saga of capture and escape began when Dr. Jumba, Planet Turo’s most brilliant scientist, reported a top-secret “Experiment 626,” missing from his lab. “The experiment was going so well,” says Jumba. “”And then it just went.” Soon afterwards Galactic Federation Headquarters began receiving numerous reports from concerned citizens around the cosmos that an unidentified blue menace was disturbing the peace, invading their space, eating…
…“It was difficult to hear though cosmic static, but we got a frantic call that some sort of powerful monster was out there,” says Ombit, first officer of the Galactic Federation Teleport Center. “We assumed by the report that it must have been big, really big. But we were ready for it. Well, at least we thought we were.”

Immediately after the prisoner was teleported into the high security chamber, Captain Gantu and his crew kept him at bay by scanning his DNA then training their tracking cannons on him to follow his every move. As an added security measure the prisoner was completely surrounded by several Galactic Federation security recruits. It would seem that such an impenetrable force of security would make it impossible for any prisoner to escape. But somehow it happened. The officers in charge at the time of the escape remain perplexed and a little embarrassed. Ensign Gecto, second officer on duty, explains the sequence of events, “It all happened so fast. We lost control of the tracking cannons, then we lost power to the Chamber, and then we lost sight of the prisoner. Now we’re probably going to lose our jobs.”

Be sure to check out the Galaxy Gazette next time you are in Tomorrowland. Oh, and if anyone out there could pick me up a copy of this paper some day, I’d love to have a copy.